07-06-07

Yesterday was the day that Riley was due. I was supposed to go to a day spa in honor of it, however I decided my husband & I needed to see (aka new glasses) more than I needed to be pampered. So instead I worked my 10 hour shift at a fast food place. It's probably better that I was working so that I wasn't thinking.

On the positive side of things, I found out Monday that I am pregnant again. I haven't had a doctor confirm it yet, will do that next Thursday, but I'm pretty excited. Or I'm trying to stay that way. I'm having no problems being excited and talking about it. My problem is feeling attached to the baby. I know I've only known for a few days, and guessed it for a few more, but I find myself trying to distance myself a bit. I'm so scared that I'll lose this baby like I lost Riley that I'm shutting down about it. I'm trying to give it to God though. It's hard.

Have any of you had a miscarriage and then worried when you've gotten pregnant again? How did you connect to the life inside of you through that worry? Any suggestions?

06-20-2007

According to Berger’s “The Developing Person: Through The Life Span” a miscarriage, clinically known as spontaneous abortion, is defined as “the naturally occurring termination of a pregnancy before the fetus is fully developed.” If only it was so easy to think of it that clinically. I don’t know about you, but when I hear or read that definition, I just want to scream! I want to scream that it wasn’t a “fetus” it was my baby! I want to scream that there is nothing “natural” about it. Although in my head I know that it was nothing I did therefore had to be a natural occurrence, there’s some part of me that doesn’t accept that.

As I stated in my initial entry, I was roughly 2 months pregnant when I miscarried. By this time we had a car seat for the baby (due to unfortunate circumstances known as my brother’s fiancée miscarried 2 – 3 weeks before I did), I had signed up to receive newsletters from babycenter.com, my mom had even already bought a onesi for him or her. It’s a cute thanksgiving shirt & bib that we got on sale at Toys R Us. I was even starting to show a bit (though my manager at work thought I was nuts when I said that…I started showing early with my son too). Why am I saying all this? Because when I miscarried, the baby was completely real to me! I talked to him or her (usually begging to just let me not feel sick that day), I dreamed about the baby being a girl who’d have her daddy wrapped around her little finger, and so on. The baby was not some “fetus” to me. The baby was a little person.

When I miscarried, I shut down emotionally. For the last 6 months I have felt nothing for anyone except my son. Apparently even depression doesn’t break the bond between a mother and her child. Unfortunately, it breaks other bonds. My poor husband had to deal with things that most guys would have just up and walked away if they had to deal with them. I thank God that my husband is not like other guys! Finally, through the grace of God, I am starting to feel again. I am reconnecting with my family. I am back in school working towards my associates degree in Psychology (hence the textbook definition at the start). I am truly interested in things again.

I tell you this last part not for anyone’s sympathy. I tell you about the last 6 months so that those of you still in the midst of your depression over your loss will know that it IS possible to get out of it. Give it to God and he will heal you. They don’t call him “The Great Physician” for nothing.

Purpose

The purpose of this blog is to reach out to those who have had miscarriages no matter if it was yesterday or 10 years ago. Whether it was 1 or 5.

I thought of the idea for this blog (and in the near future a blog ring) yesterday when someone told me "you guys need to just get over that already" when I said something about my miscarriage which was 6 months ago.

A background on me. I've been married for almost 5 years (anniversary one month from today!). We have one son together, Sean, and he has one son from his high school girlfriend, his name's Mike. We started trying last August to have another baby. In October of 2006, I became pregnant. December 5th I miscarried our baby. I named him or her Riley Shannon. He or she would have been born July 5th (ish, because we all know it's just an estimate). I'm doing pretty well with the loss, now. Although it was very hard! I suffered from extreem depression that I am just now starting to pull myself up out of.

This blog is for those who might still be hurting from their loss. I want to let them know that it's ok to still hurt. Despite what some think.

This blog is also for those who have put their hurt behind them but now feel guilty for moving on. Your baby would have wanted you to move on.

This blog is also for those who have put their hurt behind them and want to help others put their hurt behind them!

This is a place for moms, dads, or even would-be siblings!