According to Berger’s “The Developing Person: Through The Life Span” a miscarriage, clinically known as spontaneous abortion, is defined as “the naturally occurring termination of a pregnancy before the fetus is fully developed.” If only it was so easy to think of it that clinically. I don’t know about you, but when I hear or read that definition, I just want to scream! I want to scream that it wasn’t a “fetus” it was my baby! I want to scream that there is nothing “natural” about it. Although in my head I know that it was nothing I did therefore had to be a natural occurrence, there’s some part of me that doesn’t accept that.
As I stated in my initial entry, I was roughly 2 months pregnant when I miscarried. By this time we had a car seat for the baby (due to unfortunate circumstances known as my brother’s fiancée miscarried 2 – 3 weeks before I did), I had signed up to receive newsletters from babycenter.com, my mom had even already bought a onesi for him or her. It’s a cute thanksgiving shirt & bib that we got on sale at Toys R Us. I was even starting to show a bit (though my manager at work thought I was nuts when I said that…I started showing early with my son too). Why am I saying all this? Because when I miscarried, the baby was completely real to me! I talked to him or her (usually begging to just let me not feel sick that day), I dreamed about the baby being a girl who’d have her daddy wrapped around her little finger, and so on. The baby was not some “fetus” to me. The baby was a little person.
When I miscarried, I shut down emotionally. For the last 6 months I have felt nothing for anyone except my son. Apparently even depression doesn’t break the bond between a mother and her child. Unfortunately, it breaks other bonds. My poor husband had to deal with things that most guys would have just up and walked away if they had to deal with them. I thank God that my husband is not like other guys! Finally, through the grace of God, I am starting to feel again. I am reconnecting with my family. I am back in school working towards my associates degree in Psychology (hence the textbook definition at the start). I am truly interested in things again.
I tell you this last part not for anyone’s sympathy. I tell you about the last 6 months so that those of you still in the midst of your depression over your loss will know that it IS possible to get out of it. Give it to God and he will heal you. They don’t call him “The Great Physician” for nothing.
